Here are instructions on how to fly . . .
There is an art, it says, or, rather, a knack to flying.
The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Pick a nice day, it suggests, and try it.
The first part is easy.
All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with
all weight, and the willingness not to mind that it's going to hurt.
That is, it's going to hurt if you fail to miss the ground.
Most people fail to miss the ground, and if they are really trying
properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hard.
Clearly, it is this second part, the missing, which presents the
difficulties.
One problem is that you have to miss the ground accindentally. It's
no good deliberately intending to miss the ground because you won't. You
have to have your attention suddenly distracted by something else when
you are halfway there, so that you are no longer thinking about falling,
or about the ground, or about how much it is going to hurt it you fail to
miss it.
It is notoriously difficult to prize your attention away from these
three things during the split second you have at your disposal. Hence
most people's failure, and their eventual disillisionment with this
exhilarating and spectacular sport.
If, however, you are lucky enough to have your attention momentarily
distracted at the crucial moment by, say, a gorgeuos pair of legs
(tentacles, psuedopodia, according to phyllum and/or personal
inclination) or a bomb going off in you vicinity, or by sudenly spotting
an extremely rare species of beetle crawling along a nearby twig, then in
you astonishment you will miss the ground completely and remain bobbing
just a few inches above it in what might seem to be a slightly foolish
manner.
This is the moment for superb and delicate concentration.
Bob and float, float and bob.
Ignore all considerations of your weight and simply let yourself
waft higher.
Do not listen to what anybody says to you at this point bacause they
are unlikely to say anything helpful.
They are most likely to to say something along the lines of, "Good
God, you can't possibly be flying!"
It is vitally important to not believe them or they will suddenly be
right.
Waft higher and higher.
Try a few swoops, gentle ones at first, then drift above the treetops
breathing regularly.
DO NOT WAVE AT ANYBODY.
When you have done this a few times you will find the moment of
distraction rapidly becomes easier and easier to achieve.
You will then learn all sorts of things about how to control your
flight, your speed, your maneuverability, and the trick usually lies in
not thinking too hard about whatever you want to do, but just allowing it
to happen as if it were going to anyway.
You will also learn about how to land properly, which is something
you will almost certainly screw up, and screw up badly, on your first
attempt.
There are private flying clubs you can join which help you achieve
the all-important moment if distraction. They hire people with
surprising bodies or opinions to leap out from behind bushes and exhibit
and/or explain them at the crucial moments. Few genuine hitchhikers will
be able to afford to join these clubs, but some may be able to get
temporary employment at them.