Figaro Todd

by John Forster

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Note #1: A * indicates a sound effect for the afformentioned effect.
Note #2: A # donates other operatic female singing.


This is the tale of a barber
This barber was rather odd
His Christian name was Figaro
His family name was Todd

He serviced his regular clients
With true dispatch and skill
This is the tale of Figaro Todd
The Demon Barber of Seville

Count Almaviva had no life
He tried to boink the barber's wife
So when 'twas time to trim his mop
Figaro took a whole lot off the top

Then Caribino, horny youth
Called Figaro to pull his tooth
But Todd got in a jealous huff
And pulled a bunch of unrelated stuff

Figaro clip *
Figaro snip *
Figaro slice *
Figaro dice *
Figaro chop *
Figaro lop *
Figaro hack *
Figaro whack *
Just unbridle all that homicidal rage


A couple blocks from Figgie's shop
Lived Don Giovanni, famous fop
The cad came in with two days beard
When Todd was done, two weeks worth disappeared

Outside the bull ring, down the road
Carmen got a nasty cold (spoken by John like dasty code)
She called for leeching, which was dumb
He leeched the mezzo straight to kingdom come

With every slash, every cut (Figaro)
He was getting revenge, revenge for what (Figaro)
Maybe a snub, deep in his past (maladeto)
Maybe they always chose him last (Aaaghhh)

Nobody knew, hadn't a clue
It's simply what demon barbers do
They clip and they rip and they slash and they bash
And they sever and shatter and batter and mangle and mame

Don Miguel, the demon barber of Castille (spoken by John like Cath-teel)
Heard of Figaro's success and couldn't deal
He packed his razors, shouting "Vengeance will be mine!"
But by now, Todd had set off on a journey down the Brine

Those Rine maides singing made him sick *
A death charge shut 'em up real quick *
And then the high point of the week
Eight valkyries met Plastique

The barber switched on NET
And saw three tenors, count 'em three *
He did his thing, and when 'twas done *
He'd reduced the tenor count to less than one

John Denver caught the barber's eye #
He lowered his "Rocky Mountain High" #
And Yanni at the Acropolis #
Another one who's work we'd never miss

Figaro biff, Figaro boom *
George Winston
Figaro bang, Figaro zoom *
Figaro wham, Figaro blam *
Kenny G
Figaro clunk, Figaro bunk *
Michael Bolton

Figaro mutilate
Figaro lacerate
Figaro sever and mangle and mame
Figaro, oh what a wonderful game
Oh what a wonderful wonderful wonderful wonderful game

Figaro whack 'em and
Figaro hack 'em and
Figaro stack 'em and
Figaro slit 'em and split 'em and pit 'em and hit 'em
And slit 'em and split 'em and pit 'em and hit 'em again

Stab 'em and slab 'em and mull 'em and hull 'em and
Claw 'em and saw 'em and slip 'em and clip 'em and
Grip 'em and rip 'em and whip 'em and
Sever and jatter and batter and mangle and mame

Puncture, rupture, sunder, and kill
Demon barber, barber of Seville

(hack 'em up, hack 'em up, hack 'em up, hack 'em up)
(butchery, butchery, butchery, butchery)
(barber of Se-- [cut off by sound of explosion])

Figaro Todd is the eleventh (11th) song on the "Helium" album. It is an original song by John Forster.

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