Script for  - Bad Influence
(Transcription Copyright © 1997 Haakon Sundry)
NARRATOR: Today's lesson is: "Don't follow people who can get you into TROUBLE! Think for yourself."
AL: Oh! Hey! How ya doin'? Um, I'm just putting the finishing touches on my brand new invention, X-Ray spray! Check this out! (sprays the X-Ray spray on his body) Ah, let's see - there's my clavicle, and there's my sternum, and - oh hey! There's my car keys! I've been looking for those! Anyway, the other day I was out playing forty-three man Squamish with some of my friends and I met this really cool guy named Spike! Spike's got this super cool exclusive club, and you know what? He said he might actually let ME be a member too! Wow! (doorbell rings) Oh, that's probably him now. He said he was going to drop by with some of the other guys in the club. Hey-ey Spike!
SPIKE: Hey Al. How are ya?
SPIKE: Nice cave. I bet you could throw a slammin' party in here.
AL: Oh, thanks. Um, where's the rest of the guys?
SPIKE: Oh, uh, you know, they wanted me to come over first and check things out - you know, make sure you're cool enough.
AL: Hehe..oh, of course. Oh, hey if you wanna see something really cool, look at this! (sprays X-Ray spray on his face)
SPIKE: Yeaa..aaa..that's..creepy. Heheh. Ohh, ya, you know it'd be cool to spray that thing on Christmas presents.
SPIKE: Oh! Oh, and then we could spray it on just about any combination lock to see how to open it.
AL: I...suppose you could. Oh hey! You haven't met Harvey yet!
SPIKE: Neh, no...who's that?
AL: Only my best friend in the whole world! Ah?
SPIKE: Isn't that a rat?
AL: No, he's a hamster.
AL: Say Harvey, you wanna sing the Harvey the Wonder Hamster theme song? (He makes Harvey nod) Okay! Here we go! Oh, Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster. He doesn't bite and he doesn't squeal, he just runs around on his hamster wheel. Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster! Hey Harvey!
SPIKE: So, what makes him a "wonder hamster?"
AL: Watch this! Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for the most fearless rodent in the world, "Harvey the Wonder Hamster!"
(Harvey in race car drives off a cliff, parachuting out at the last second and falling safely to the ground.)
Alright Harvey! Hah!
SPIKE: Ya, that was pretty cool. Hey Al, let's do it again. But uh, this time no parachute, and let's make the car burst into flames right before it goes over the cliff. Nwahaha. That'll rock.
AL: Ehuh..I think uh, I think Harvey's tired right now. Why don't we do something else?
SPIKE: Nyah, I don't know. Ya know, I'm starting to think that maybe you're not right for the club after all. Heh! I mean, look at you Al. You're not even hip to the one pant leg thing.
AL: Ah! Yes I am! What is it?
SPIKE: All the really cool guys in my club wear their pants with one leg missing.
AL: Oh! All my other pants are like that. Really! I was just about to cut this one off before you got here. Eh..uh..look! Eh! Uh! (tearing off his pant leg) See? It's gone! I'm cool. EH! Everything's cool! Heh.
SPIKE: Alright! Heh. Well uh, you know what the really cool guys in my club do?
AL: No, what?
SPIKE: Now this is kind of a secret club thing, but I'm gonna tell you anyway. They dip their arms in hot, melted chocolate.
AL: Well hey! I've got a vat of hot melted chocolate right here!
SPIKE: Well, what are you waiting for?
AL: (Al dips his arms into the chocolate) I AM SO COOL! Ha HA ha HAA ha ha ha!
SPIKE: Hey man, I'm just gonna run to the kitchen and grab a quick bite, alright?
SPIKE: HeHAH! You!
AL: Ehh..Oh! Spike is so cool! I think he's starting to warm up to me. (dishes crashing in the kitchen) Uh oh. Sounds like Spike needs a little help in the kitchen.
SPIKE: Dude, there's nothing to eat in here!
NARRATOR: Just how far will Al go to impress Spike? This could be TROUBLE!
BUMPER: The Weird Al show will be right back. I PROMISE!
BUMPER: All right! The Weird Al Show is BACK!
AL: My pal Spike here said he was a little hungry so I'm making him one of my favorite snacks. Hickory flavored asphalt with anchovy jell-o on whole wheat bread! Gulmp! Mmmph! Mmph. Like I always say, if you got blacktop, and you got gelatin, you got good eatin'!
SPIKE: Uh..No, no thanks...I'll..I'll pass. So, so Al what do you, what do you do for fun on this show?
AL: Oh lots of stuff! Uh, Sometimes my neighbor "The Hooded Avenger" comes over on his "Hoodcycle" and we...we go...
SPIKE: Wuh, wuh, wuh, wait you you mean that that crime fighter guy? I know that guy. What a goober. Yuh, You don't actually hang out with him do ya?
AL: Eh..Oh No! Ha ha...not really, I, I was just kidding...about that.
SPIKE: Alright, good. Good. 'Cause crime fighters are lame.
AL: Yeah, uh I think so too.
SPIKE: So c'mon Al. Do something to entertain me.
AL: Oh, uh, okay. Um...oh hey! I know something really fun we can do. Why don't we go into the next room...
AL: ...and watch T.V.!
SPIKE: (sarcastically) Alright!
AL: Okay, c'mon over here. hehehe. Ah, you can sit, uh, well, okay. There's fine.
SPIKE: Gimme that.
AL: Well, uh, see I...I usually...
(Spike takes the remote and turns on the T.V.)
FRED HUGGINS: And that's why they called him Billy the Chicken.
(Spike turns T.V. off)
PAPA BOOLIE: Ehh...what a great story. I was riveted.
FRED: Hey! Whatta ya say we all singy a little songy?
PAPA BOOLIE: Whatta ya say we NOT?
BABY BOOLIE: Oh no! Did he just say what I thought he said?
PAPA BOOLIE: I'm afraid so.
FRED: (singing) Water is wet, oh water is wet. How much wetter could water get? Not any wetter at all, I bet! Oh water is wet. Isn't this fun?
PAPA BOOLIE & BABY BOOLIE: NO!!!
ANNOUNCER: You don't want to pay a lot for day care by pirates. But you expect the superior quality and experience that only pirates can provide. That's why Pirate Day Care is the number one day care provider for children in the entire Tri-state area. Our staff of highly trained, dedicated day care professionals is there to serve all of your child's day care needs. We also have a soft care program for toddlers. Call now, operators are standing by.
FRED: (singing) Yes, water is wet. Wetter than an onion or a chia pet. It's the very wettest thing that I've seen yet. Oh water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water, watuh!
(Papa Boolie sprays Fred with a fire hose)
JULIE BROWN: Right now it's time for a bungalow of style fashion report. Let's find out what's in this week. Crutches, day-glow tube tops, and fanny packs - but only if worn on the head. What's out? Tearing off one pant leg. Ugh! What was THAT all about? I mean, can you believe that there are actually some losers out there that still dress this way? Please. That is so five minutes ago. Anyway, next up -
SPIKE: I'm bored. Let's do somethin' else.
AL: Uh, I'm confused. Eh...um, is it cool or not cool to wear pants like this?
SPIKE: (Mockingly) Is it cool or not cool to wear neh neh neh? Where's the phone? I gotta go call the rest of the guys and tell 'em not to bother coming over. If you're this wimpy now, you're certainly not gonna get past the initiation.
AL: What initiation?
SPIKE: You couldn't handle it.
AL: Oh sure I could! Eh..whata I have to do?
SPIKE: Alright. You have to, uh...shave your right eyebrow.
AL: Really? Are you sure that's cool?
SPIKE: Not only is it cool, it's mandatory. Gotta do it, or you won't get in the club.
AL: Okay, well I'm just gonna go get my shaving cream. Uh, you guys watch this and the next time you see me, I'm gonna be unbelievably cool!
(Pizza Quick Commercial)
(back to the Weird Al Show)
PIZZA GUY: Pizza.
ANNOUNCER: Pizza delivery leaving you cold? At Pizza quick, we guarantee fast delivery. Our secret? No box! Most pizza places waste valuable time putting your pizza in a box! Pizza Palace? Six seconds. Antonio's takes eight! Your pizza just got cold. At Pizza Quick, your pie comes right out of the oven and goes right out the door. No boxes, no putting it in boxes, NO BOXES!
(doorbell rings - pizza boy is standing in the rain holding a pizza)
DAD: Oh, thanks! Ooh! Ah!
ANNOUNCER: So the next time you want pizza, get it quick! Pizza Quick! Ready in zero seconds.
AL: Maybe I could just shave my underarm instead.
(Al shaves his eyebrow)
AL: It's cool, right?
SPIKE: Oh yeah Al! That is Moby!
AL: Heh. Moby?
SPIKE: Moby means the absolute coolest.
AL: Ohh. I am WAY moby! Heh heh..so, I'm in the club now, right?
SPIKE: Ehh..well, no, there's...something missing. (puts rabbit ears on Al) There! Hehehe...that's much better. Kid, you got potential.
AL: Oh hey! Maybe that's the other club members now!
(Al opens door)
BOBBY THE INQUISITIVE BOY: Hi Al.
SPIKE: Who's the brat?
AL: Oh, it's just Bobby the Inquisitive Boy.
BOBBY THE INQUISITIVE BOY: Hey Al, what happened to you?
AL: Oh yeah, I look totally moby don't I?
BOBBY THE INQUISITIVE BOY: I don't know. Does moby mean "like a dork?"
AL: So Bobby, what can I do for ya - Spike and I are kinda busy here.
SPIKE: Dude, am I the only cool person you know? Hehh.
BOBBY THE INQUISITIVE BOY: I just scraped up my knee. What can I do to make it all better?
AL: Well Bobby, accidents are just one of the many mysteries of the Universe.
BOBBY THE INQUISITIVE BOY: Uh huh. So, can I get a Band-aid or something?
AL: Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. Prevention is the best medicine. Why don't I show you this short educational film, and then maybe you'll think twice before you decide to hurt yourself again.
(Al rolls film footage)
ANNOUNCER: Safety is everyone's business. We can all stay out of harm's way just by following a few simple rules. When you're out in public, always check to make sure no spies are following you. If you find a spider on your shirt, roll. Roll on the ground. Spiders are icky. And if you lose a pants leg, call home right away so your friends won't beat you up for looking like a dork. Don't let your parents drive backwards in the rain. It's just not safe. If dad needs to take a nap, tell him to do it in a bed, that's what they're made for. And never, ever let your dog drive the car.
AL: Up, there you go Bobby. Hope that answers your question.
BOBBY THE INQUISITIVE BOY: But what if my knee gets infected? What if germs get in there? And where do germs come from anyway?
SPIKE: Dude. (calls Al over to the side)
AL: Uh, 'scuse me.
SPIKE: If your creepy little friend wants to prevent a big accident, perhaps he should leave now.
AL: Uh huh...he'll be gone in a minute. Let me just...uh get him a band-aid for his knee.
SPIKE: Hehehe...I guess you didn't quite understand me. Uh, either nerd-boy goes, or I go. It's your choice Al. But choose now.
AL: Okay I'll...I'll get rid of him.
SPIKE: HehHA! My Man!
AL: Hey Bobby! Hey, hey guess what I heard! Um, they're having a big party down at the mall with the Mighty Morphin Ranger people and that Barney dinosaur guy, and uh, they're um, they're giving away free ice cream and horsie rides so you better get goin'! Hehuh...see ya!
BOBBY THE INQUISITIVE BOY: But I'd rather stay here with you.
AL: Um, listen Bobby. The truth is I've got some new friends coming over -
SPIKE: You're just not cool enough, k? So grab your wheels, and hit the road.
AL: I don't feel so good.
SPIKE: Eh. Stop being such a baby. C'mon. Let's go break stuff.
(Spike proceeds to trash the cave)
AL: Okay...it's...it's cool. Heh..uh..
NARRATOR: Since when is it cool to blow off your friends? I think that guy Spike is a BAD INFLUENCE!
BUMPER: Hold your horses! We'll be right back.
BUMPER: HEY! It's time for more of the Weird Al Show!
AL: Hey, welcome back! I know the place looks kinda messy right now, but I'm right in the middle of working on a -
SPIKE: Hey Al, what are these?
AL: Oh that's the new invention I'm working on. Super buoyant edible ping-pong balls!
SPIKE: Really. Edible?
AL: Yeah, yeah but don't put that in your, in your ehhh...
(Spike eats a ping-pong ball)
AL: Uh yeah, that's the Jalapeno flavored one. I tried to warn you. Uh, anyway I can tell by the old clock on the wall that once again it's time for (plays tape of accordion) Al's mailbag, that's right. Well, let's see what we got in the old mailbag this week. (horse neighs) Ahh, k...let's see what we got here. Uh. Well this is interesting. Must be some kinda semi-precious stone or maybe even a moon rock! Let's see. Heh. (opens letter) Dear Al, I found this in my nose...DEUGH! Uh huh eh...okay, well that was...something. Let's try another one. Dear Al, do you have any brothers or sisters who aren't just cheap camera tricks? Signed, curious. Well I do have my brother Alex, the eight inch tall savage warrior. (shows "Alex" waving his arms and yelling) I love him very much, but alas - he's nothing but a cheap camera trick. It makes my mom really sad. Let's move on.
SPIKE: Hey, hey - stop readin' letters. That's lame. Alright? Nobody in the club would ever do that. Let's rip 'em up. C'mon Al, rip 'em up!
AL: Oh, (doorbell rings) oh hey! I...I..I bet that's the other guys from the club. Hugh.
SEYMOUR: Oh hey Spike!
SPIKE: Heyyy..Seymour. Seymour. Uheh..uh Al, that's uh Seymour. Seymour, Al. (to Al) He's in the club.
AL: Oh hey.
SEYMOUR: What's that goop on you?
AL: Chocolate! You know, the "secret club thing."
SEYMOUR: Whu..What is he talking about, and, and what happened to your eyebrow?
AL: Oh, I...I shaved it off for the club initiation!
SEYMOUR: What initiation?
AL: You know, the club initiation!
SEYMOUR: There's no initiation! We don't even have any other guys in the club yet!
AL: What are you saying? Wait a second. Spike! Did you just make all this stuff up?
SPIKE: Well, yeah makin' stuff up is cool.
AL: You mean to tell me I ripped up my favorite pair of pants, plunged myself into a vat of chocolate, shaved off my eyebrow, blew off one of my friends, put on bunny ears, and let you destroy my home - all so you would think I was cool - and you were just making it up?
AL: I am such a fool!
SPIKE: I knew this guy wasn't one of us. Let's get outta here.
SEYMOUR: Where did you meet this loser? Hehehe
AL: (AL takes off bunny the ears) Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Hey Harvey! Hey pal. Spike's gone, you can come out now.
AL: Oh, that better not be Spike!
(opens door, The Hooded Avenger and Bobby the Inquisitive Boy walk in)
Oh, hey guys. Am I glad to see you.
THE HOODED AVENGER: Crimanetleys Bobby, you were right! He is covered with a tasty chocolate coating.
BOBBY THE INQUISITIVE BOY: So, did you join his club?
AL: Nah...he was a creep.
BOBBY THE INQUISITIVE BOY: Duh.
THE HOODED AVENGER: Al, I'm glad you figured that out yourself. Some people never learn how to think for themselves. They just do whatever people tell them is cool, no matter how ridiculous that may be.
AL: Heh. Yeah.
Oh look! More visitors!
Hey! It's my good friends, Barenaked Ladies! Come on in, guys.
ED ROBERTSON: Hey Al, we were just on our way to the medieval festival - we saw some guy trying to rip off The Hooded Avenger's bike.
THE HOODED AVENGER: What? My Hoodcycle?
TYLER STEWART:: Relax, man. We scared him off.
ED ROBERTSON: Yeah, but the guy was trying to spray the lock with this thing.
AL: My X-Ray spray? Spike! I can't believe it. What a worm!
THE HOODED AVENGER: Forget about it, Al. Someday the sledgehammer of justice will fall upon his big toe.
AL: Hey, if, if you guys don't mind being a little late to the medieval festival, it, it would be great if you could do a song for us.
ED ROBERTSON: We'd be happy to. As soon as we get out of these, uh, outfits.
AL: H'oh..Cool! Woo..that's great! A Hah uh aww! We'll be right back. WOW! Ha Ha, Ha ha ha ha!
NARRATOR: Following Spike may have cost him a pants leg and an eyebrow, but Al's finally learned to think for himself.
BUMPER: The Weird Al show will be back in a flash!
BUMPER: And now, back to the show!
AL: Hey look! It's Barenaked Ladies!
(Barenaked Ladies perform "Shoebox")
AL: Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!
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