Script for  - Promises Promises
(Transcription Copyright © 1997 Haakon Sundry)
NARRATOR: Today's lesson is: Don't make promises YOU CAN'T KEEP!
AL: Oh! Hey! How ya doin? I'm just um, hanging out here with some of my friends...uh, this is my cousin Corky. And, uh this of course is Val Brentwood, Gal Spy. And I think you already know my next door neighbor the Hooded Avenger.
THE HOODED AVENGER: Say Al, what would you like to do today?
AL: Ohhh, well we could um, pour maple syrup all over the rug and then lick it off.
CORKY and VAL: Nah.
VAL: We did that yesterday.
AL: Nuhh. Or we could um, watch some TV!
CORKY and VAL: Yeah!
(short clip of guy on a bike jumping on the roof of a car)
FRED HUGGINS: Hello boys and girls. Welcome back to The Fred Huggins Show. You know what I'd like to do now?
PAPA BOOLIE: Ehhh..uhehh...I can't imagine.
FRED: I'd like to sing a little song. Doesn't that sound like fun, Baby Boolie?
BABY BOOLIE: No.
FRED: Here's one of my favorites. It's called, "I Like You."
PAPA BOOLIE: Oh brother.
BABY BOOLIE: Hey, didn't we just sing that song five minutes ago?
PAPA BOOLIE: Yup.
FRED: Oh, I like you. Yes I do. And I know you like me too. You're my friend when I feel blue, oh I like you.
PAPA BOOLIE: Whew.
FRED: Oh I really, really, really, really like you.
PAPA BOOLIE: Oh no.
BABY BOOLIE: No, please!
FRED: Yes I really, really, really, really like you.
BABY BOOLIE: No, please, stop!
FRED: Oh I re...
SON: I assure you father, our cousin's tardiness mystifies me as much as you.
FATHER: He was supposed to be here for dinner an hour ago, now our food is cold.
THE FRENCH PRINCE: Excusez moi, j'ai oubliť le temps
FATHER: Why you...
THE FRENCH PRINCE: Ahh!
ANNOUNCER: The French Prince of Bel Air. Wednesdays at 8:30.
Prodigy Video Parody:
"I'm so angry at my idiotic barber! Think I'll stand here 'till it grows out a little. Got a lousy haircut. A really stupid haircut. What a silly haircut! I can't believe this haircut!"
(Boolies moaning in the background)
FRED: Oh I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really like you.
BABY BOOLIE: You think he'd notice if we left?
PAPA BOOLIE: We're puppets. How we gonna do that?
ANNOUNCER: And in other music news, John Tesh continues to wow audiences on his cross country tour. Last night's sold out crowd at Avalon, California couldn't get enough of the former Entertainment Tonight M.C.'s piano stylings.
(In an exclusive behind-the-scenes interview, Inside Story...)
VAL: Boy, he is so cool.
CORKY: I think he's dreamy.
THE HOODED AVENGER: Very healthy gums.
(turns off TV)
VAL: Did I ever tell you guys about the time I saw him?
CORKY AND THE HOODED AVENGER: Where?
VAL: Well, one time, I was snooping around at the coffee corner. And John Tesh was there.
THE HOODED AVENGER: No.
VAL: Uh huh.
THE HOODED AVENGER: Weh..what did he order?
VAL: I'm pretty darn sure it was a Moccacino.
THE HOODED AVENGER: Hawh..listen to this. Last year John Tesh was signing books at Bern's & Bard's - I went down there - got him to sign my utility belt.
AL: Yeah well, big deal because I...know him personally!
THE HOODED AVENGER: Oh, phttb!
VAL: You know him.
AL: O'Ho yeah, me and Johnny Boy - that's what I call him. Ah..Ehh, we go way back - we're old friends.
CORKY: Yeah, why didn't you ever tell us?
AL: Oh, I didn't know you guys would think it was such a big deal!
THE HOODED AVENGER: Well if you know him, why don't you invite him over?
AL: Ohhkay, I will!
VAL: Yeah! And we can talk to him?
AL: Yeah, I think he knows English.
CORKY: Oh! I better go get ready.
THE HOODED AVENGER: Me too!
VAL: Alright Al!
AL: Ehhh..uh...Okay, thanks for coming over - I'll let you guys know when John Tesh is here. Oh, I don't feel so good Harvey. What do you think, was it the moldy tuna melt I ate, or is it the fact that I've never met John Tesh in my life and I just promised all my friends that he'd be here? Well, I can't let my friends down. Somehow, whatever it takes, I gotta get John Tesh over here.
(knocking sound is heard)
What was that? You hear something?
THE GUY BOARDED UP IN THE WALL: Hey! Al!
AL: OH, ptth! It's the guy boarded up in the wall! I forgot all about him. Hey Guy Boarded Up In The Wall. Don't tell me you're a John Tesh fan too.
(The Guy Boarded Up In The Wall knocks a book off of the bookshelf)
Oh, what's this? Oh! The official celebrity appearance price list! Oh hey thanks! Let's see...John Tesh...John Tesh...eighty-two dollars. Well, that's a little steep, but I think I can swing that.
THE GUY BOARDED UP IN THE WALL: Zeros.
AL: What? Zeros? Oh yeah! Look at that. Eighty-two, zero, zero, zero. I see. So that's eighty-two THOUSAND DOLLARS? EIGHTY-TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS? What does he have to do - travel back in TIME to get here? Eh! Where am I going to get that kind of money?
(The Guy Boarded Up In The Wall sends a picture through the wall)
Ah? "Please have John Tesh autograph, thanks." Ehh. Well, when we come back, I'll have some kinda ingenious, foolproof, money making plan. I betcha.
NARRATOR: What's Al got up his sleeve? Will he keep his promise to his friends, or will he CONTINUE TO LIE TO THEM? AND WHY AM I SHOUTING?
BUMPER: Hey, don't go away! The Weird Al Show will be back in a minute.
BUMPER: It's time for more of the Weird Al Show!
AL: Well, it looks like I've gotta come up with a ton of cash in a hurry if I wanna keep my promise to my friends, so I thought I'd have a little bake sale here. I've got a delicious assortment of tasty treats, all at affordable prices. Behold! Fresh piping-hot goat cheese and arugala brownies - just 5 thousand dollars each! Eh, over here you got your fudge muffins with mustard filling - we're giving 'em away at ten thousand bucks a piece. And just out of the oven, Grandma Yankovic's special poundcake. (Takes burnt cake out of the oven) This needs a few minutes to settle. Aeugh. (Sprays cake with fire extinguisher) Ueh. Heh! Agh. Well the uh, the muffins just went up to twenty thousand dollars. Now, that might sound like a lot for a baked good, but, not if you eat r e a l l y s l o w l y.
'Scuse me. (answers videophone) Hello?
VAL: Hey Al! It's us!
CORKY: We're counting the minutes until John Tesh gets here!
VAL: We are so excited! Heeheha!
THE HOODED AVENGER: Hey chief, check it out. (shows his embroidered wrist cuffs) I'm not sure if I should go with gold on red, or purple on red.
AL: Oh, you made the right call.
THE HOODED AVENGER: Number One!
VAL AND CORKY: (laughing)
CORKY: Oh you're the best, Al.
THE HOODED AVENGER: See ya.
(Al turns off videophone)
AL: Oh boy.
MADAME JUDY: Ohhh! It's Madame Judy!
AL: Hey! It's my old friend Madame Judy the Psychic! Oh, I am so glad you're here. Hey! You wanna buy some goat cheese and arugala brownies? They're only twenty-thousand dollars each.
MADAME JUDY: Hmm...I'll take one for fifty cents.
AL: Meet ya halfway. Eight-thousand.
MADAME JUDY: Uhh...NO!
AL: Madame Judy, I gotta level with you - I'm in hot water. I need eighty-two thousand dollars pronto to get John Tesh over here.
MADAME JUDY: (takes Al's palm) Shh...I sense that you need a lot of money very quickly. I sense that you do not have the money. I sense that you have run out of...hand cream!
AL: That's incredible.
MADAME JUDY: Why don't you do what Madame Judy does when she needs to make a quick BUCK?
AL: What's that?
MADAME JUDY: Ohh...look into my crystal ball...come closer...come closer, little oinklets. NO! NOT THAT CLOSE! Oh, I'm Madame Judy! Your psychic gal pal. Do you desire wealth? Fame? And corndogs? Of course you do, trolls! Only I, Madame Judy can unlock the secrets to your future. Watch...
(fades to Madame Judy infomercial)
AL: But Madame Judy, I, I already am consulting you.
GIRL: Madame Judy told me I was going to meet the man of my dreams. And I did.
GUY: Madame Judy told me I was gonna eat something. And I did!
OTHER GUY: Madame Judy predicted I'd have a big old bucket 'a oatmeal dumped on my head. Well, it hasn't happened yet.
(Oatmeal is dumped on guy)
Forgive me for doubting you, Madame Judy.
MADAME JUDY: Ohhh...so you see little kumquats. Only I, Madame Judy can see your future. I can see it, but I can not tell it, no. Not until you call me! Ohh...do not deny yourselves, little cupcakes. Call Madame Judy now. Madame Judy! Madame Judy!
MADAME JUDY: You missed the point. You should do your OWN infomercial.
AL: But Madame Judy, I'm not a psychic.
MADAME JUDY: DUH. GROW A CLUE! Do whatever kind you want. Just do one. Make the money off the infomercial. GOT IT? Oooh..I have foreseen it.
AL: I..I just don't know if I'd feel comfortable selling out like that, I mean...
MADAME JUDY: LOOK AGAIN! Into the crystal ball!
AL: Hey! It's those guys that are always selling stuff on TV! Ron Popeil and Tony Little!
RON POPEIL: Al, you gotta do an infomercial.
TONY LITTLE: C'mon Al! Be like us!
RON POPEIL: It's the only way you're gonna keep your promise to your friends.
TONY LITTLE: You've got the power, Al! Don't let us down!
AL: Alright, let's DO IT!
MIKE LEVEY: Welcome, welcome. I'm Mike Levey and welcome to Unbelievable Discoveries. I'm here with Al Yankovic. Al, whatta ya have there today?
AL: Well Mike, I'm wearing these ear magnets. And boy do I feel great!
MIKE LEVEY: Well, what do they do?
AL: Ear magnets increase your listening skills by up to thirty percent! Or I'm not "Weird Al" Earovic!
ANNOUNCER: Call now. Operators are standing by.
MIKE LEVEY: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
AL: Say Mike, what's wrong?
MIKE LEVEY: I'm sorry Al, I must have tied my shoelaces too tight.
AL: Well that would never happen if you had a Yank-o-shoelace-tying-gauge!
The gauge scientifically monitors the tension in your shoelaces. As soon as you make them too tight, (buzzer goes off) you'll know!
MIKE LEVEY: So what you're saying Al is, while I'm tying my shoes, the buzzer will go off, and then I'll know I've tied them tight enough - this is great!
AL: Hey, this guy learns quick!
RUSTY: Can I use it for my baseball glove?
AL: No, Rusty. But your Mom and Dad will have a thousand and one uses for it! Or my name's not "Weird Al" Shoelaceovic!
And now here's Mike Levey with some more great offers.
MIKE LEVEY: Thank you Al. We've got so much great stuff, I don't even know where to begin. How 'bout the supersonic gut-icizer - which, for a limited time only, comes with Al's face on it! Al, this next one I'm on cloud nine about. It's called the amazing four-tined food stabber! This little item has a number of practical uses, and goes great in your kitchen along with a knife and spoon.
AL: The amazing four-tined food stabber really works! I use it, and you can too!
MIKE LEVEY: Hey, are we impressed?
WOMAN IN CROWD: Can I ask you something?
WOMAN IN CROWD: Do all of these products really work?
AL: Of course they do! You have my promise.
MAN IN CROWD: If they don't work, can we get our money back?
AL: That's the "Weird Al" promise!
MIKE LEVEY: Al, you've been a great guest. Thank you very much, and congratulations - it's official! You've just made yourself eighty-two thousand dollars!
AL: Oh! Oh! I wanna thank everyone for helping me out today. Really, you've all been just great. Now everybody out! C'mon! Show's over, let's go! Scram! Move it! Move it! Move it! Get out! Ahh...ah...eeeh...
NARRATOR: It looks like Al may be able to keep his promise AFTER ALL! But can he afford to PAY THE PRICE? Mmm...
BUMPER: We'll be right back. Don't you MOVE!
BUMPER: The Weird Al show is back! Did ya miss me?
AL: Yup, it's all here. Eighty-two thousand buckaroonees! Gee Harvey, that was easier than I thought. Well, now I can just pick up the phone and have 'em send John Tesh right over! Oh, my friends are gonna go nuts! But first, it's time for (plays tape of accordion) Al's mailbag, that's right. Well, let's see what's in the ol' mailbag this week. Wow! Look at all these letters! Must be fan mail from all my satisfied customers. "Dear Al, I bought your crummy ear magnets. I can't believe you sell such junk. You should be ashamed of yourself. I want my money back. Signed, a former fan." Ueh...Well, there's one in every group, let's see. Ahh. Eh. "Dear Al, your supersonic gut-icizer is a piece of garbage. Please send me a refund. Thanks." Hehuh... probly the same guy... ouheh. (Harvey envisions a "panic" button.) Hah. "Dear Al, I have never felt so ripped off as when I bought your amazing four-tined food stabber." Oh no. Oh, this is terrible, what have I done? *sniff* Citizens of the world, if you bought any of these fine products and you're dissatisfied, you can come to my cave right now for a full refund. That's the Weird Al pruh...
(stampede of people rush into the cave)
Uhoh kay, mmm. Hi. Sorry. Eh, there you go. There you go. Alright, sorry. Aheh, well, looks like this might take a little while so uh, in the meantime, why dont'cha watch this.
(Fatman Cartoon #1)
AL: And believe it or not kids, that was a true story.
NARRATOR: The adventures of...FATMAN!
(Setting is the donut shop where Al works. Tons of cops are eating inside.)
POLICE CHIEF: Two more crullers, please.
AL: Two crullers, coming right up!
POLICE RADIO: Attention all units. Code red situation at the ice cream warehouse. Refrigeration system is malfunctioning, and melting ice cream is threatening to flood the city.
POLICE CHIEF: Gee. Sure wish Fatman was here.
AL: Mmm. Sounds like the work of my evil Uncle Frank!
POLICE CHIEF: Ooh...huh?
AL: Uh, nothing. Ah, um...I'll be right back.
NARRATOR: Due to a rare GLANDULAR PROBLEM, an ordinary jelly-filled glazed donut turns mild-mannered Donut World employee AL YANKOVIC into the crime fighting superhero known as FATMAN!
FATMAN: C'mon Harvey. It's evil fightin' time!
HARVEY: I got your back, Fatman.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in a SECRET LOCATION high above the city, the evil Uncle Frank and his longtime accomplice the Procrastinator continue with their DASTARDLY PLAN!
UNCLE FRANK: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, yes. Soon, the entire town will be covered in ice cream! And then, with the help of our ice cream proof scuba gear, anything we want will be ours! Yeah! Procrastinator - have we disabled all of the refrigerators yet?
THE PROCRASTINATOR: Almost.
UNCLE FRANK: Almost? What are you waiting for?
THE PROCRASTINATOR: Hold on a sec. Mmph. There. I got one of the sides to match up.
UNCLE FRANK: Yeah, yeah, that's good. Yeah, very nice, yeah. Now can we GET TO WORK?
BOY: Boy, if only there was a giant who could come and eat all that ice cream. Then we'd be saved!
FATMAN: Ooh. Wait a minute. Of course! It's so obvious! I'll just go to every single grocery store in town and buy all the ice - then bring it back here! That oughta stop the melting.
HARVEY: Oh, but if you just...
FATMAN: No time to talk now, my furry little friend. I'm off - to the grocery store!
UNCLE FRANK: Would you shut off the last refrigerator already?
THE PROCRASTINATOR: *sigh* Alright. Fine.
UNCLE FRANK: NOW!
THE PROCRASTINATOR: Geez, have a cow. (turns off last refrigerator) Okay.
TV ANCHORMAN: It's no use! Hooh, the city is doomed! Oh the humanity, the humanity!
FATMAN: Hold on, citizens! I'm coming!
POLICE CHIEF: Hey! Where's my crullers?
BOY: The ice cream's gone.
HARVEY: Ohhhh. *burp!*
POLICE OFFICER 1: He ate all the ice cream.
POLICE OFFICER 2: We're saved!
FATMAN: Harvey, it's me. Fatman. Can ya hear me?
HARVEY: Ohhhh. I think I froze my brain.
UNCLE FRANK: Oh, would you look at that. My fat freak nephew has completely ruined my plan for world domination!
THE PROCRASTINATOR: That's a shame.
UNCLE FRANK: And it's all your fault, you moron! You're totally worthless!
THE PROCRASTINATOR: Fine. Be that way. You know, you don't even deserve world domination. I'm outta here. (parachutes out of the blimp)
UNCLE FRANK: Good riddance. Who needs you anyway? Yeah. Wait a second. I... I don't know how to fly this thing! Oooh! Ahhh! Hah hah, oh boy that smarts!
FATMAN: Well pal, we did it. We saved the day once again.
HARVEY: Oh, WE did huh?
POLICE OFFICER 1: Hey, Fatman. Wuh..What are ya doing with all that ice?
FATMAN: Um,...sno-cones for everybody!
CORKY: Hey Al. What's goin on?
AL: Oh uh, some of my customers want their money back. Well actually, all of them. Eh..I was just trying to make money as fast as I could so that I could book John Tesh.
VAL: Book him? Eh. Is that like slang for hang out with him?
CORKY: Wait a minute. You don't even know him.
AL: Ohheh, I'm sure I know him somehow. You know, like Six Degrees of Separation?
VAL: You had us all excited?
CORKY: What a rip.
THE HOODED AVENGER: Now, ladies. Don't be too hard on Al. I'm sure that in his own immature and ignorant way, he was just trying to make us all happy.
CORKY: Yeah, well, thanks for trying Al.
VAL: Yeah, I'm sure you meant well.
AL: Oh, thanks guys, I...I wish there was some way I could make it up to you.
THE HOODED AVENGER: Well, my hoodcycle could use a good waxing.
AL: Yeah, and I could really use a new pair of spy boots.
CORKY: And there's this really adorable dress I've had my eye on.
CORKY: Thanks Al!
VAL: Yeah. Send you the bill!
AL: Well, maybe next time I try to raise money, I won't...
JOHN TESH: Hey Yankovic, I bought your lousy shoelace tying gauge. It cut off the circulation in my feet...I'm lucky I can still walk!
AL: Yeah, well I'm sorry.
JOHN TESH: I'M sorry! This is the biggest piece of junk I've ever seen in my life. What a rip off. How do you sleep at night?
AL: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, um, here's your money back. Thanks a lot. See ya! Bye!
JOHN TESH: You're a disgrace.
AL: Yeah, run along now.
We'll be right back.
BUMPER: Don't go away, or you'll regret it for the rest of your life!
BUMPER: And now, the spine-tingling conclusion of the Weird Al show!
AL: Well, I guess I learned a few valuable lessons here today. One, I shouldn't make any promises I can't keep, and two, I should never, EVER do another one of those lousy infomercials! I mean, huh heh..what was I thinking? Heh..uh...
RON POPEIL: That boy was our only hope.
TONY LITTLE: No. There is another.
AL: Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!
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