Script for  - Back To School
(Transcription Copyright © 1997 Haakon Sundry)
NARRATOR: Today's lesson is: "Learning new things takes time, study, and hard work.
AL: Let's see now. Well, your temperature is normal, I...Oh, hey everybody, how ya doin? Uh, my pal Harvey here isn't feeling very well. I've read the National Rodent Society's official Hamster maintenance manual from cover to cover twice, and uh, I still can't find the problem. I think he might be faking it. Still, it wouldn't hurt to fill out that hamster organ donor card. Heyha! I'm just kidding around Harv. Well, let's review your symptoms one more time. Lack of movement, rear end is hard and plastic-like, emits a strange whirring sound. Oh, kuh! I know what it is! Auhh. Harvey's just being sucked into the vacuum cleaner, that's all. Let's see...how does this thing work?
BOBBY THE INQUISITIVE BOY: Al!
AL: AAAAH! (Al accidentally hits button that propels Harvey out of the vacuum cleaner - flying all over the room.) Bobby! You scared me to death.
BOBBY: Sorry, Al. But I really need to know something! What would happen if I never brush my teeth?
AL: Well now there's a very pressing question, Bobby. Say, why don't we just stop everything and watch this incredibly entertaining and instructive movie.
(rolls film clip)
AL: (pulls Harvey out of the wall) Oh, sorry Harvey. Won't happen again. Eh. So, Bobby. Eh. Are you now chock full of knowledge?
ANNOUNCER: We use our teeth everyday. To smile, and to bite things. But what happens if we neglect our teeth? They might wind up looking like this. Or this. Or this. Uwwuh. So how can we keep our teeth healthy and clean? First of all, visit your dentist every day. And bring along a friend to watch. Also, when you eat cake, chew with your mouth closed. Don't be a pig. When you eat stinky food, hold your nose. And don't eat too many sugar cubes, either. It's also a good idea to check your teeth in a mirror every five minutes or so just to make sure they're still there. And most importantly, learn the proper way to brush. A lot of kids try to brush their teeth without actually putting the toothbrush inside their mouths. Like these kids. Silly. Brushing your cheek doesn't do any good. You've got to take your teeth out of your mouth first, and then brush them. So remember, brush. Brush as if your life depended on it. Be nice to your teeth. Or else you'll have to eat everything through a straw.
BOBBY: Al, how come I can't breathe water?
AL: Guess not. Bobby, I really don't know.
BOBBY: Then how come I can't breathe gravy?
AL: Bobby, I...I don't know!
BOBBY: How come it doesn't hurt when I get a haircut?
AL: I DON'T KNOW!
BOBBY: How come fly swatters have holes in 'em?
CHOIR: HE DOESN'T KNOW!
BOBBY: Al! Why can't you answer any of my questions?
AL: Bobby! Because, Ehh...you ask questions that nobody knows the answers to.
THE HOODED AVENGER: Well, actually, you can't breathe water or gravy because they're both liquids. And our lungs can only breathe gases. It doesn't hurt to cut your hair, because there are no nerve endings there. The holes in a fly swatter reduce wind resistance, thus making it move through the air faster. Sorry about the flashy entrance, my superhero's license is up for renewal. Just brushing up on the basics.
BOBBY: Wow! You know everything!
THE HOODED AVENGER: Well my, PhDs in Biology, Geology, and Astral Physics do come in handy sometimes I guess.
AL: You have three PhDs?
THE HOODED AVENGER: No, wait a minute. No that's not right.
AL: Sheh. I didn't think so.
THE HOODED AVENGER: Five. Yeah, I actually have five. I also have a degree in hooded studies, and one in taking the law into your own hands. Got a little carried away in college.
AL: Uh, Bobby, a PhD is a kind of degree that you earn in college after you've mastered a subject.
BOBBY: Duh, I'm not a moron.
THE HOODED AVENGER: Anyhow, I was going through the paper and I found these buy 53 get one free frozen burritos coupons - thought of you right away.
AL: Oh, thanks.
THE HOODED AVENGER: Okay! Well, I've got to go.
BOBBY: Wait! Mr. Hooded Avenger! Wait up! I've got lots of questions!
BOBBY: Bye Al, gotta go!
AL: But Bobby, I...I know all about hamster stuff. Oh what good is that? Wow, the Hooded Avenger knows about so many different things and...well, I've just been burying my head in this. From now on, I want to know everything. I want to be a fountain of wisdom on every subject possible! Oh, how I thirst for knowledge! Or maybe some limburger soda. Yeah, that sounds good. But first, let's see if there's something educational on TV.
(turns on TV)
DADDY: Elizabeth! I've told you once...I've told you a thousand times! Just one lump of sugar, please. This tastes like a candy bar!
(Turns TV off)
SON: Daddy, would you fix my tie?
DADDY: That's a job for your mummy. Mummy! Come in here and help your son. Mummy! Ah, there you are.
SON: Mummy, would you fix my tie?
DADDY: Don't just stand there, help the boy!
DADDY: My good robe, you don't! Ah, you completely wrecked my tea!
DADDY: Lunch is just around the corner, I suppose you're going to see your way to runing that too! Ha!
ANNOUNCER: Mummy and Daddy will return after this.
Short clip of an iguana lashing out it's tongue to eat an insect.
NEWS ANCHOR: Today, Babe Ruth announced that he will come out of retirement, and return to the major leagues. In related news,...Babe Ruth is alive? He walks the Earth! Run for your lives! AAAHH! AAAAAAAHH!!
Short clip of a man wrestling with himself.
Ay, you-a pass the lasagna
A-don't you get any on ya, you sloppy peeg
Have-a more ravioli
You-a get roly poly, a-nice and-a beeg
Like you cousin Luigi
Luigi, Luigi, capisce paisan?
Capisce paisan, capisce paisan?
ALEX TREBEK: Hi, I'm Alex Trebek. Would you like to make more money? Impress your friends? Be like me and know everything in the world? Sure you would. And now the Know-It-All Correspondence School can help! With courses in molecular biology, nuclear waste management, air traffic controlling, aardvark training, belly button lint recycling, UFO restoration and repair, unleashing your inner robot, frog cosmetology - accounting - and so many more. With the Know-It-All Correspondence School, you can know it all, in no time at all. Call Know-It-All now. And start learning today.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: I did.
AL: Wow. That's the answer to all my problems. If I just take every single one of those amazing courses, there won't be anything I don't know! And then I'll be admired by all! And, I can learn it all really, really fast! Oh, that's it. I'm gonna order the works. And then, I will know everything...HA HA HA HA HA!!! Hello?
NARRATOR: Can Al really know it all, or will he BLOW it all by trying to learn too many things at once?
AL BUMPER: Don't go away, we'll be right back!
AL BUMPER: And now, back to the show!
AL: Wow, look at this. The Know-It-All Correspondence School sent me the sum total of mankind's accumulated knowledge – and a cycle phone, absolutely free!
DELIVERY GUY: Yeah well, uh, heh…that's the last one there, so if you just sign here please.
AL: Great. I can hardly wait to get started. Pretty soon, I'm gonna be the most educated guy you ever met!
DELIVERY GUY: Yeah well, that's really, that's really good. Let me just find a pen for you here, okay? Do you mind holding this? Uh, it's my PhD in anthropology. And my degree in quantum physics. Heh? Oh! Nobel prize. Uh, here we go. Here's a pen. Oh you're gonna need something to bear down on, though – here, use my master's thesis on subatomic particles.
(Al signs form)
Here you go, alrighty. Thanks a lot! And uh, good luck.
AL: Ehh. Okay, well let's get started.
VAL BRENTWOOD, GAL SPY: Al, what's with all this?
AL: Oh hey Valerie. Um, these are all my new books. I've made it my goal to learn everything there is to know in the entire world!
VAL: You can't really expect to learn everything overnight. I mean it took me years of work to become a master spy!
AL: Hehe, Oh come on Val. We all know you're a spy, but what makes you think you're a "master" spy?
VAL: Hmm. I'll show you. These are the socks you were wearing up until a second ago. Got 'em while you were blinking. Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha.
AL: Okay well, thanks Val. Glad you could pop in and make me feel even more insignificant.
VAL: Oh sure, I'd love to AAAH!
AL: Twentieth century Belgian philosophers. Hey. No pictures! Boring! Ah, what else? Oh, advanced geometry. That sounds kinda hard. Forget that! Eh, I'm sure I can get my money back on those. Hey! Thirty seconds to martial arts mastery! Now this sounds cool! (starts reading book) To begin your martial arts training, look behind you.
KUNI: Sheeyats! Hello little sand flea. My name is Kuni; I'll be your judo instructor for the next thirty seconds.
AL: Oh, okay. Um, well what do I…
KUNI: No questions! We're on a very serious schedule here. Now, the martial arts I am to teach you are only to be used for defense, not for attack. Let's begin. Attack me!
AL: But you just said that…
KUNI: I know what I said, attack me!
AL: Okay. AAAAAH! Eugh. Well that was kinda painful.
KUNI: Well what do you expect, you attacked me?
AL: But you told me to!
KUNI: Ahh…with pain comes wisdom, little woodtick.
AL: Heya…aaaah…oh! Ahahow! Hey! That wasn't for defense!
KUNI: Ah, but it was. You are my opponent. And as my opponent, I correctly assumed that at some time you would attack me. Therefore, I can anticipate the need for defense!
AL: I don't think I wanna take Judo from you.
KUNI: But your training has just begun little dung beetle! (watch beeps) Oops! Sorry, time is up. Course is over.
AL: What? Oh, I didn't learn very much.
KUNI: That is right, little cockroach. It takes time to master any skill. You did not learn, because you did not study. You're so stupid! Bye bye.
AL: Well that was a waste of thirty seconds. Ah, what have we got here? Ah! Astral projection. Hey, I've heard of this. Hey look Harvey! I'm gonna learn how to travel outside of my own body. Ah, this should be a snap. Ah…(puts in tape)
SOOTHING VOICE: Prepare yourself for astral projection. First, completely empty your mind, as if there's nothing there at all.
AL: That shouldn't be too hard.
SOOTHING VOICE: Next, put on your stimulus sensory sunglasses and allow yourself to become one with the universe. Relax. Breath deep.
(Al inhales extra hard)
SOOTHING VOICE: Soon, your spirit will separate from your physical being. You will be able to explore the infinite possibilities of traveling outside your body. Discover your true purpose in life, and still be home in time for dinner. Offer void in Nebraska.
AL: Mmm. I don't think this is working. Boy, what a buncha…(falls on floor) (Al's "spirit" comes out of his body.) Hey! It happened! My spirit left my body! Okay, concentrate. What's my greater purpose? How do I want to use this limitless opportunity? Think I'll watch some TV!
(Turns on TV)
ANNOUNCER: Can't sleep? Congested? Runny nose? Sore throat? Nagging cough? Fever and sinus infection? Dizzy? Nauseous? Disoriented? Constipated? Memory loss? A little crazy? Can't shake your evil self? Haunted house? Knight in shining armor? CIA agent? Upside-down person? Golden retriever? Huge beach ball? Miss America? Flying monkeys?
AL: Oh, man. I can't believe it. This is my higher purpose? I'm going back in my body. ("returns" to body.) Ueh. Eh. Now I'm really getting behind schedule. But, well, I should definitely know everything in the world by the time we come back! I CAN'T WAIT!
(Turns off TV)
NARRATOR: What has Al learned so far? NOTHING! Maybe that's because you can't learn new information unless you take the time to study.
AL BUMPER: HeheHEY! Stay tuned for more of the Weird Al Show!
AL BUMPER: Alright! The Weird Al Show is back!
AL: The blue-nostriled pigeon keeps its young inside its left ear for the entire length of gestation. Hmm. King Henry the third had a wart on his kneecap in the shape of a small poodle. Huh…sure is a lot to learn. Man, I'll never remember all this. I need a break. You know what? I think it's time for a death-defying stunt from the one, the only, Harvey the Wonder Hamster! Hey pal, how ya doin? Today, Harvey will attempt to break the all-time hamster weightlifting record! Good luck pal! (two ton weight drops on Harvey) Alright. Concentrate Harvey, c'mon. Lift with the legs, not with the back! You can do it Harvey, you can do it! Yes! It's a brand-new hamster weightlifting record! Oh, great job pal. Ahh. Well, time to get back to the books.
(Bobby and the Hooded Avenger enter)
THE HOODED AVENGER: And that's how a fruit drink can advertise itself as all natural, even though it only has ten percent real juice. Hey Al! How's the quest for knowledge coming?
AL: Well, I was going to learn everything in the world today, but it's not really working out. I took on so many subjects that I don't have time to really get to know any of them. In fact, I don't think I learned anything.
THE HOODED AVENGER: Well what did you expect my friend? You can't learn everything all at once. It takes time. You gotta really stick with it. Most important of all, you need…pizza! Heh huh, you can't learn on an empty stomach!
AL: Oh man thanks! What kind is it?
THE HOODED AVENGER: Peanut butter pizza! Your favorite!
AL: Mmm. Sounds great! Well you know what, I'll join you guys in a second. But first, I can tell by the old clock in the wall that once again it's time for…(plays tape of accordion)…Al's mailbag, that's right! Well, let's see what we got in the old mailbag this week. (pulls cord) Let's see. Got a letter here from uh, Buffalo, New York. It says, "Dear Al. I have a problem. The other day I swallowed a watermelon seed. Now my older brother says that watermelons are going to grow in my stomach, and that the doctor will have to cut me open to get them out, and when he does my brother's gonna steal them and sell them at his own watermelon stand and not give me any of the money! What should I do? Signed, Nelson Sebastian Gunderplats H 7." Well Nelson, the answer is easy. Get yourself a good business lawyer. I don't know about all of that medical stuff, but it doesn't sound like your brother has any right to profit from a watermelon business that you started! And furthermore…
(Harvey starts choking on the peanut butter)
THE HOODED AVENGER: Good grief! Harvey's choking! The peanut butter's too much for him!
BOBBY: What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?
(Al performs the "Hamster Heimlich" on Harvey, who proceeds to throw up the peanut butter on Bobby.)
BOBBY: Aheh. Ehh. Wow Al! That was amazing! How did you know what to do?
AL: Aw, it's no big deal. The Hamster Heimlich is one of the most basic emergency procedures.
THE HOODED AVENGER: Say, you've been studying that book for some time now, haven't you?
AL: Yeah, well, I've always been really interested in how to take care of Harvey, so uh, I just concentrated on this stuff and stuck with it, and…guess I'm kind of an expert in it now. Wow! Don't go away! We'll be right back!
NARRATOR: Al learned a lesson from Harvey. Don't bite off more than you can chew. There's no substitute for taking time to study one subject well.
ANNOUNCER: Camp Superfun!
SINGERS: Camp Superfun is fun, fun, fun! Camp Superfun is fun, fun, fun! Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun! Camp is fun when it's Superfun. Ooh, Ooh, it's fun!
ANNOUNCER: Hey everybody, wanna have some fun this summer? Try Camp Superfun!
SINGERS: Ooh, Ooh, Superfun!
ANNOUNCER: Camp Superfun is the perfect camp for shapeless, tall, furry animals between the ages of six and thirteen! See ya later mom and dad!
SINGERS: Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun! Camp is fun, Camp Superfun. Super…fun…
ANNOUNCER: Camp Superfun! Jump in! It's Super…fun!
AL BUMPER: We'll be right back. Don't you MOVE!
AL BUMPER: HeheHEY! It's time for more of the Weird Al show!
THE HOODED AVENGER: Al, to honor your knowledge of the subject, and to recognize your special achievements in the field, we'd all like to present you with this honorary doctorate in hamster maintenance.
BOBBY: Congratulations, Al.
AL: Oh! Oh, thanks guys! You know, our time is about up for this week, but, I hope we've all learned an important lesson here today. And that is that real knowledge can't be paid for in three easy installments of $19.95. Real knowledge takes work, and sacrifice, and pizza, and, a really good reading lamp so you don't hurt your eyes. So until next week, remember to always, always, always wear shark repellent. Because you never know when one's gonna..AAAAAH!
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