Script for  - Time Machine
(Transcription Copyright © 1997 Haakon Sundry)
NARRATOR: Today's lesson is: "It's important to aknowledge your mistakes, learn from them, and try to do better next time."
AL: Screwdriver, screwdriver...where do all the screwdrivers go around here? Oh! Good. Hey! Howya doin? Man have I had a busy morning. It's only uh, eleven thirty-two, and already I've gotten so much done! For one thing, I'm really close to finishing this brand new invention. Plus I've gone through all the letters in the mailbag, and uh, gotten my fortune told by Madame Judy, and uh, oh Bobby came over this morning. I had to answer every single one of his rediculous questions. Uh! And of course I had my weekly jai alai game with Teri Garr. Man did I get whooped! It's just been a madhouse here this morning! Ehh! Ah! There! All done! Ah? I've rewired this old clock radio into a bonified time machine! Now I can go back to any point in history, any time I want to! That's kinda cool, huh? Let's see. I've worked tirelessly for days on end, and I've finally invented something that will change the very face of civilization as we know it! What should I do to celebrate? I know! Watch TV!
(turns on TV)
AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR: Ow! Careful! Ehuh. Uhh...Let this be a lesson to the rest of you. Always make sure you warm up before you start doing serious exercise. Otherwise you're liable (bone crunch) AAAH! Was that my spine? Owwh that smarts. Stop it!
AL: Oh! Wonder who that could be?
Short clip of a girl who's eyes are independently moving in different directions.
VICTORIA JACKSON: You have no respect for me. That's what it all comes down to. And I refuse to be in a relationship where I am not respected. I'm leaving you. Goodbye!
ANOUNCER: Be sure to join us again tomorrow for The Young and the Housebroken.
NEWS ANCHORMAN: Today's kid's question is from Lisa Haliday in Downer's Grove, Illinois, who asks, "Do anchormen really have anchors attached to them?" Of course not, Lisa. We have huge concrete blocks. Anchors haven't been used since the late seventies.
SPACE CONTROL: Twenty seconds to liftoff and counting.
NASA SUPERVISOR: Still no launchpad power. Can somebody confirm status on that?
NASA EMPLOYEE: We have isolated the system malfunction, and we are ready to proceed.
SPACE CONTROL: Copy that. T-minus ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, zero. Ignition. Ignition?
NASA SUPERVISOR: Houston, we have a problem.
ANNOUNCER: Got a six foot grounded heavy duty extension cord with a two prong adapter?
(Turns TV off)
COUSIN CORKY: Hiya! Where is he?
AL: Who, Harvey?
MADAME JUDY: I predict he is in his Habitrail!
THE HOODED AVENGER, COUSIN CORKY, and MADAME JUDY: Surprise!
THE HOODED AVENGER: Happy birthday little buddy.
THE HOODED AVENGER, COUSIN CORKY, and MADAME JUDY: For he's a jolly good hamster, for he's a jolly good hamster, for he's a jolly good hamster, which nobody can deny!
AL: No, it couldn't be. Today's not Harvey's birthday is it? It is Harvey's birthday! Oh man, I totally spaced.
THE HOODED AVENGER: For you little fella. Your very own monogrammed spatula.
COUSIN CORKY: (clears throat) Hope you like it, Harv. I made it myself! I couldn't find thread that was strong enough, so I used hair that I yanked outta my own head.
AL: Hey, where's Val Brentwood, Gal Spy? Guess she forgot all about Harvey's birthday! Can you imagine that?
VAL BRENTWOOD, GAL SPY: Harv! Happy birthday baby! I just finished risking my life to bring you this. It's a play shoe! With a two way radio. Now we can keep in touch while I'm out on my dangerous spy missions.
MADAME JUDY: Okay, okay! Now Me! Ah! Ohhh! From my own collection, a crystal ball to guide your path. Look! You can see the future - swirling in it already! Ohhh!
THE HOODED AVENGER: Wait a minute, that's not the future! That's Saved By The Bell!
COUSIN CORKY: Hey, this thing's picking up cable!
THE HOODED AVENGER: Ahh.
AL: I can never admit to Harvey that I forgot to get him a present. He'd be crushed! Oh. If only I could do this whole morning over. Hey! I CAN do this day over! I'll...I'll just use my invention to go back in time, pick up a present for Harvey...come to think of it, I can redo anything I want! OH, this'll be great! Okay. I'll just set it for thirty minutes into the past. There. Okay. Now, I just hit the snooze bar and... (travels back in time) AAAAH! AAH! Ouch! Hot! Hot! Hot! I think my invention needs a slight adjustment! Went a little too far back in time! Aah! Hot! (travels ahead in time) Hmm. That's a little closer, but, still not right. (travels ahead in time) Hey! It worked! Ah! I've gone thirty minutes back in time from where I started. Now I can just run by Horatio's Hamster Hut and pick out the perfect gift for Harvey! And he'll never know I forgot. Oh, guess it's time for Al's mailbag. Well, I don't have time to answer the mail again, I gotta...wait a minute. Didn't see this one before. (picks up yellow envelope) A letter from the electric company? Final notice? Those ingrates! I pay my bill almost every month! These guys deserve a piece of my mind. (calls the electric company) Hello, electric company? Yeah, I just received a final notice from you people and I am outraged! Look, if you bozos can't wait for my payment, then I don't need you! I've got a hamster here with a wheel that could power my whole house. So get a grip, alright? (hangs up) See, sometimes you gotta show these big companies who's... (power goes off) ...boss. Ahheh. Uh, technical difficulties, but uh, mmm, stick around. With the help of my time machine, I'm gonna get Harvey a birthday present if it's the last thing I do! We'll be right b...OUCH!
NARRATOR: Maybe if Al would just admit that he forgot Harvey's birthday and try to deal with it, he wouldn't need a time machine.
AL BUMPER: Hey, don't go away! The Weird Al Show will be back in a flash!
AL BUMPER: Can you believe it? The Weird Al Show is BACK!
AL: Eh. Hey everybody. Little misunderstanding with the electric company here. And I'm uh, almost out of matches. Guess I should probably just use my time machine again. Yeah, alright. Okay, I'll go back in time another half hour so I can pay my electric bill, and get Harvey a present, so he'll never know I forgot. Here goes! (travels back in time) Oh well, that's better, I...Oh hey, Madame Judy!
MADAME JUDY: Silence toad! I am divining your future!
AL: That's great but I already know my future, and I, I don't really have time for this right now, so can we do this some other day maybe? I...
MADAME JUDY: Oh! I see that you are anxious! Oh! You are a very anxious person!
AL: Anxious? That's not what you told me last time you told my fortune.
MADAME JUDY: Shh! Ohhh...the anxious man is soon bitten by radioactive lobsters!
AL: (dramatic pause) Good to know. Okay Madame Jusy, I really gotta run. Just put this on my soothsaying tab, okay? Man, what a day this has been. Can you believe...AAAAAAH! AAH! Oh, she was right! OH! AAH! OH! Oh man, that was creepy. I sure hope there aren't any nasty side effects. Oh, I should be fine. Now what do I have to do? One, call the exterminator to get rid of the lobsters, Two, pay the electric bill, Three...where's three? OHHHH! I'm LOBSTER BOY! OHHH! AAAH! OH AHH EH AHH! (travels back in time) Alright! I got fingers! Yeah okay, let's see. Call exterminator, pay electric bill, get Harvey a present. Okay! N'yuh!
BOBBY THE INQUISITIVE BOY: Hi Al!
AL: Bobby, I don't have time right now.
BOBBY: But Al, I just gotta know something.
BOBBY and AL: Where do ice cubes come from?
AL: Yeah, believe it or not Bobby, I already answered that for you, and I don't have time to do it again, okay?
BOBBY: But AL! I really want to know!
AL: Bobby! I'll tell you later!
BOBBY: But AL! I wanna know NOWWWWWWWWWW!
AL: You know what, Bobby? I would show you an educational film on this subject that I already showed you, but based on your recent behavior, I think there's another film you should watch.
(rolls film clip)
AL: So Bobby, did you learn something here today?
ANNOUNCER: What are manners? Manners are the rules we all live by to keep us from beating the living daylights out of each other. When Mary goes over to visit her friend Sally, and Sally tells her that she smells funny, that's not very good manners, is it? No. And it's liable to hurt her feelings, too. What would a polite host do? A polite host wears a sweater identical to the one his friend is wearing. That makes his guest feel at ease. What other ways can we be courteous? Well, when you attend a school assembly, and you have to sit through a boring puppet show, don't talk. Don't say a word. Just act like it's the funniest thing you've ever seen in your life. Then get up and leave quickly before they do an encore. When eating in restaurants, remember, the left fork is for the salad, the middle fork is for the main course, and the last fork is for defending yourself against rabid wolverines. And most importantly, always remember those three magic words. Please, thanks, and uvula. Try repeating these helpful phrases after me. Please move, you're standing on my neck. Thanks, so much, for the giant bag of goat droppings. My, but you have a lovely uvula. I hope these little handy hints will help you to mind your manners.
BOBBY: I sure did. I learned that you won't answer my questions anymore you big doofus! Here! Take back the bowling ball you gave me! I don't like you anymore!
AL: But Bobby, I...(drops bowling ball) OUCH! OH! UH! UH! (travels back in time) Okay, that's it! No more distractions! I gotta get Harvey's present or he's gonna be so upset! (as Al tries to leave he bumps into Teri Garr) Ow!
TERI GARR: Uh! Oh! Ow! Why...why are you in sucha hurry? Why, our jai alai game isn't for another twenty minutes!
AL: Oh, that's right! Oh Teri, Teri, I'm really sorry but I've gotten really busy - I...I'm gonna have to cancel.
TERI GARR: Cancel? Cancel? But I got up early for this! I mean, I coulda slept in!
AL: Oh Teri, I'm really sorry but you wouldn't believe how many things I have to do!
TERI GARR: Oh cry me a river! (throws Al across the room)
TERI GARR: And here busy boy, you're gonna need your lousy clock! (throws clock at Al)
(Al travels back in time)
AL: Ah. Ohh. Mmm, must be getting kinda early in the day. You know, all this time travel is making me kinda hungry. Before I go any further, I think I need a little nutrition break! So why don't we make frozen waffle and sardine nachos! Now, you start with your waffles. Heated of not, it's your choice. Then add the sardines, ahh...the nacho cheese, some jalapeņos, motor oil, n'gyuhh...and the secret ingredient, shaved chocolate. Now personally, I like to shave the chocolate myself. Oh, and I prefer an electric razor over the blade kind. It just tastes better that way. Electric ones are also a lot safer. I mean, I can't tell you how many accidents I've...y'ahh! The razor's possessed! Ahh. Maybe next time I'll just use chocolate chips! Say, why does everything suddenly seem louder? AAAAAH! (goes back in time) Heheheh. Huh huh huh. Ayeuh. Okay, it's uh, eight-thirty in the morning. Now, whatta I have to do to make everything right? Okay, to hide all my mistakes, I need to: fix my electric shaver, get rid of the lobsters, play jai alai with Teri Garr, pay the electric bill, naswer Bobby's question, and buy Harvey a present. Now, unless something gets in my way, like say a Russian Cossack dancer, I should be just great! (trips over Russian Cossack dancer) D'oh!
NARRATOR: When Al comes to, maybe he'll finally deal with the fact that he simply forgot Harvey's birthday!
AL BUMPER: The Weird Al show will be right back. I promise!
AL BUMPER: It's time for more of the WEIRD AL SHOW!
COUSIN CORKY: Al! What's going on? Al! Al! Al! Al! What happened? We...we came over to celebrate Harvey's birthday, and we found you like this.
AL: Oh yeah. Must have bumped my head. Oh. Look, leh...lemme just do what I should have done in the first place. (goes over to Harvey) Harvey, I...I'm really sorry, but, I didn't get you a birthday present. I totally forgot. Can you forgive me?
MADAME JUDY: Wait! Harvey is channeling me! He says, Ehhh! No biggie! He's just glad you're here.
MADAME JUDY: Now let's snarf some cake!
AL: Yeah! Oh! I can't believe all that running around I did, just so I wouldn't have to admit I forgot. I should've known my best friend would understand if I made a mistake. Okay Harv, blow out that candle!
(Harvey blows out the candle)
EVERYDODY: Yay!! (everyone claps)
MADAME JUDY: Wait! Oooh! I'm getting another message! Harvey says, you're his very favorite singer in the whole world. Besides Eddie Vedder, Luciano Pavarotti, and William Shatner!
MADAME JUDY: And it's Harvey's secret wish for you to perform a special birthday song for him!
AL: Aww. Hey buddy, no problem! I think my band is around here somewhere! Oh there they are. I think we're all set up. You guys ready to rock and roll? Well ALRIGHT!
NARRATOR: Looks like Al solved his problem just by admitting his mistake and apologizing. See how easy that was?
(Morpho Man commercial)
KID #1: This is boring.
KID #2: Yeah.
KID #1: Man, I sure wish my Morpho Man could see, or hear, or talk.
ANNOUNCER: Hey kids! Are you looking for THIS? It's Morpho Man's head!
KID #1 and KID #2: Wow! All RIGHT!
ANNOUNCER: Imagine the fun, imagine the adventure when the Morpho Man's head and torso collide! Put them together to strike a blow against the forces of the evil emporer of Zargo!
KID #1: Take that you evildoers!
KID #2: Yeah!
ANNOUNCER: Combine them in the Morpho car for action packed thrills!
KID #2: Hey watch out! Don't hit that tree!
KID #1: All right! Nrrrr...boom!
ANNOUNCER: When Morpho Man becomes a viable life form, the fun never ends!
KID #1: Morpho man!
KID #2: Yeah!
ANNOUNCER: Morpho Man! Head, arms, legs, feet, hands, torso, and rear end all sold separately. Don't even ask about the Morpho Car.
AL BUMPER: Hold your horses! We'll be right back.
AL BUMPER: And now, for the spine tingling conclusion of the Weird Al show!
(Al and the Band perform "Yoda")
I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
Happy birthday Harvey!
Where it bubbles all the time
Like a giant carbonated soda
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name
And in a raspy voice he said Yoda
Well, I've been around but I ain't never seen
A guy who looks like a muppet
But he's wrinkled and green
Oh my Yoda
Well, I'm not dumb but I can't understand
How he can lift me in the air just by raising his hand
Oh my Yoda
Now, I left home just a week before
And I never ever been a Jedi before
But Obi-Wan he set me straight of course
He said, "Go to Yoda and he'll show you the Force"
Now, I'm not the kind that'll argue with Ben
So it looks I'm gonna start all over again
With my Yoda
So I used the force
I picked up a box
I lifted some rocks
And I stood on my head
But I won't forget what Yoda said, he said
"Luke, stay away from the darker side
And if you start to go astray let the Force be your guide"
Oh my Yoda
I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed
But, remember if you kill him then you'll be unemployed
Oh my Yoda
Well, I heard my friends really got in a mess
So I'm gonna have to leave Yoda, I guess
But I know that I'll be coming back some day
I'll be playing this part till I'm old and grey
The long-term contract I had to sign
Says I'll be making these movies till the end of time
With my Yoda
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