Word Crimes

by Al Yankovic


Everybody shut up (heh) (Woo) (heh heh)
Everyone listen up
Hey, hey, hey... hey, hey, hey (uh)... Hey, hey, hey (huh) (woo)
(Turn me on) (woo)

If you can't write in the proper way (woo) (lousy writer)
If you don't know how to conjugate (woo) (hey)
Maybe you flunked that class (hey hey hey) (hey), and maybe now you find (hey hey hey) (heh) (ha ha)
That people mock you (hey hey hey) online
Everybody wise up

Okay, now here's the deal... I'll try to educate ya (woo ow)
Gonna familiarize you with the nomenclature (woo meow)
You'll learn the definitions (hey hey hey) of nouns and prepositions (hey hey hey)
Literacy's your mission (hey hey hey)

And that's why I think (woo) it's a good time
To learn some grammar (woo) (what?)
Now, did I stammer? Work on that grammar (woo)
You should know when (hey hey)
It's "less" or it's "fewer" (woo) (oh yeah)
Like people who were (alright) never raised in a sewer (woo)

I hate these word crimes
Like "I could care less" (woo) (hey hey hey)
That means you do care (oh oh yeah yeah), at least a little (woo)
Don't be a moron (hey hey)
You better slow down (woo) and use the right pronoun (hey hey hey)
Show the world you're no clown (everybody wise up)

Say you've got an I-T followed by apostrophe S (woo)
Now what does that mean?
You would not use "it's" in this case as a possessive (no, no, no)
It's a contraction (yeah, yeah, yeah)
What's a contraction?
(Well, it's the shortening of a word or a group of words by omission of a sound or letter)

Okay, now here are some notes:
Syntax you're always mangling (woo)
No "x" in espresso
Your participle's dangling (woo) (uh huh)
But I don't want your drama (hey hey hey)
If you really wanna (hey hey hey), leave out that Oxford comma (hey hey hey)

Just keep in mind that be, see, are, you...
Are words, not letters (woo)
Get it together, use your spell-checker (hey hey hey)
You should never (oh no)
Write words using numbers (woo) (hey hey)
Unless you're seven (yay hey), or your name is Prince (everybody wise up)

I hate these word crimes (them crimes)
You really need a (I hate them crimes) full-time proofreader (I mean "those" crimes)
You dumb mouth-breather (woo)
Well, you should hire (oh, hire, yeah yeah yeah)
Some cunning linguist (some day, alright)
To help you distinguish what is proper English (that's good) (everybody wise up)

One thing I ask of you
Time to learn your homophones is past due (woo)
Learn to diagram a sentence, too
Always say "to whom"; don't ever say "to who" (woo)
And listen up when I tell you this
I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis (woo)
You finished second grade, I hope you can tell (do tell)
If you're doing good or doing well (woo) (hey hey)
You'd better figure out the difference
Irony is not coincidence (woo)
And I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull (hey hey)
About what's figurative and what's literal (woo hey)
Oh, but just now (just now) you said (you said)
You "literally couldn't get out of bed" (woo) (what?)
That really makes me want to literally
Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head

I read your e-mail
It's quite apparent (woo) (hey) your grammar's errant
You're incoherent (woo)
Saw your blog post (hey hey)
It's really fantastic (aw, what?)
That was sarcastic (aw, psych!)... 'cause you write like a spastic (woo)

I hate these word crimes (woo) (everybody wise up)
Your prose is dopey (hey)
Think you should only (oh, oh yeah) write in emoji (woo)
Oh, you're a lost cause (hey hey hey)
Go back to pre-school (woo), get out of the gene pool (hey hey hey)
Try your best to not drool (woo)

Never mind, I give up (woo)
Really now, I give up (woo)
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Go Away!

Word Crimes is the fifth (5th) song on the "Mandatory Fun" album. It is a parody of "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke (Featuring T.I. and Pharrell Williams) with new lyrics by "Weird Al" Yankovic.

If you have any e-mail regarding the "Weird Al" Yankovic portion of Hotel XVR27, send it to either . . . .

  • PLEASE NOTE : I am NOT "Weird Al" Yankovic, though I wouldn't complain if I were. Click here to return to the "Weird Al" Yankovic Lyrics list.
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